I’m Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

I’ve been a teacher for six years.

I started as a last minute fill-in in a middle school where no one checked on me. One. Single. Time. From December to May.

I then went from a long-term sub to a full time teacher at  a middle school in Norwalk, California where I was checked on. Believe me, I was never left alone. But I grew and I learned how to not only be a teacher, but to be a good one. Surrounded by a family-like staff (everyone from admin aides, to secretaries, to next-door teachers) I had an awesome support system. There was laughter. There was genuine concern for one another. There was covering and helping each other out. There was collaboration…oh the collaboration!

But then we moved.

And now I’m here.

If you’re reading this, then you probably know me well enough to know what I mean by “and now I’m here.” I’ll sum it up with this: I always swore that if I ever started hating what I did, I’d quit. I’d quit before I became one of those bitch teachers from hell (you all know them, I know you do).

But…where do I go from here?

You may say, “Oh, try another school!” But…I’m done and I don’t think I can do it anywhere anymore; at least for a while. I realize this is going to sound melodramatic, but I feel like my teacher soul has been crushed and I don’t know if it will be ok again.

So if not teaching? Then, what? I’ve asked myself what I ask my students sometimes. “If you could do anything at all, what would it be?”

Well, the answer to that is quite simple. I’d either be a writer or some sort of consultant for education. But how does one get to BE an educational consultant? And even if they found a way to get started, how do you go train and consult while working as a full-time teacher?

And there’s that other obstacle. You know, the one where my personality type makes up the smallest percentage of the population, but the highest percentage in therapy. That, introverted-will isolate myself if I don’t watch it-inclined to negativity and self-doubt-thing that makes me wonder, would it be healthy for me to essentially work for myself? Alone? Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone more than most…but I’m not kidding about the isolation thing. I will do it.

So….

Nothing. I got nothing right now.

But I have to do something.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Just A Little Bit Caught In The Middle

  1. If you once loved educating, I wonder if it would be a balm to your soul to try teaching in a difference capacity. Maybe you should go to a place like Sylvan and see if they have any openings. Check with some of the private Christian schools – I’d wager (if I was a bettin’ woman) that they have a better support system. You could advertise as a private tutor!

    If you spent your time writing at home there are things you can do to be around people. Get involved in a church ministry. Volunteer for CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates), and help make a difference in the lives of children and families in need. Be a part time nanny!

    I’ll be praying that you find something that is a good fit for you. ☺

  2. I’m sorry. And I understand. This year is my last year teaching (it’s my 8th) and surprisingly, it’s one of the best I’ve had. It’s still my last. I think that knowing this is the end is making dealing with all of the crap easier. I’m hoping/planning to go back to school next year but definitely not in an education field. I can’t say that I’ll never teach again but I hope I don’t do it again for quite a while.

  3. We need to talk… I have an idea for an overseas tutoring program and I truly believe we might be able to get it off the groud together…. Call me next week.

  4. I don’t know what to say Adrienne, except me too (at least some days). I do remember the year I kept my resume in my bottom desk drawer and took it out at least once a week to contemplate what the blazing else I could do with a French degree and a teaching credential.
    And then I went back to get my masters and saw a whole plethora of ways I could become a better teacher. When that wasn’t working to save my teaching soul, I moved to Los Alisos and met some of the most devoted, loving, hard working HUMANS I have ever met. (And my favorite group of LA teachers I have ever had the privilege to work with.) These days I have my sort of motivated days and my to heck with it all days, but I have started a new montre that goes a bit like this (from something I saw on Facebook), “When my feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says–darn, she’s up.” I’m not sure how this gets me to work in the ever-so-getting-colder mornings, but it some how motivates me enough to drive away from my casita by the beach, inland to the beautifully, nondescript suburb of Norwalk to face my charming and challenging kiddos…one day at a time! Love ya!!!

  5. You have BEAUTIFULLY stated what I have been feeling for months!! I have asked myself the same question a million times so far, and the best I have is selling Premier Jewelry (which I am MORE than enjoying), opening an etsy store, or going to beauty school. My sentiments about the whole thing were summed up by a teacher friend of mine recently, “Oh YEAH, this job is keeping me from ALL KINDS of shit I would rather be doing.”

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